


Lockdown!

by KirkyPet



Category: American Gods (TV)
Genre: Coronavirus, Dialogue-Only, Gen, Podfic Welcome, slightly spoofy, sweeney lives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:15:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23508217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KirkyPet/pseuds/KirkyPet
Summary: War is averted in an unexpected manner.(follows on from He Ain’t Heavy He’s My Leprechaun, wherein Laura resurrects Sweeney by giving up her coin and Sweeney returns the favour by sharing his hoard the only way he knows how. Hijinks in Vegas follow til the coronavirus crisis cuts short the honeymoon and they look for plan B)
Relationships: Laura Moon/Mad Sweeney, The Jinn | Ifrit/Salim (American Gods)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Magpiie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magpiie/gifts).



“Are we wise here?”

“Oh. My. God. Would you make up your mind? You were talking _me_ into this!”

“But we don’t even have a plan!”

“In all this time, has there _ever_ been a plan? Have _you_ had a plan? ‘Cos I know I haven’t.”

“Eh, you got me there.”

*

“Nobody kills my wife and gets away with it!”

“Sweeney, that was you.”

“He’s still an asshole.”

“More to the point, nobody kills my husband and gets away with it.”

“That’s the first time you’ve called me that.”

“Don’t get too comfortable with it.”

“It was actually your man that speared me.”

“Yeah well. He’s still an asshole.”

“Shall we just stick with that argument? Keep it simple.”

*

“If it isn’t the newlyweds! Huginn said it was a beautiful ceremony. Delightfully trashy. I’d have got you a gift but what can you get for the couple who has everything? Speaking of which, I don’t suppose you’re here to return what you stole from me?”

“Fuck off, Grimnir.”

“Didn’t think so. So why _are_ you here?”

“Just passin’ through. Thought we’d drop in and see how badly you were fuckin’ up this war. Plus, all the hotels are shut.”

“What, have you trashed _all_ the motels in Nevada?”

“Hah, I forgot. You don’t watch the news, do ya? You got your little birds for that sorta thing.”

*

“Alhamdulillah! You _are_ alive!”

“ _Ooof._ Hey there wee fella. Jinn. Aye, all credit to the Goddess of Roadkill here. Have you met the wife?”

“Jesus Christ - ”

*

“It must be nice to be married - ”

“ – “

“To someone you love, I mean.”

“Oh, hey – look, what’s that over there?”

“What is it? I don’t see anything. Oh, where did she go?”

*

“Bravo, my dear. I’m impressed! The leprechaun looks as good as new. The boy _will_ be pleased. He was quite cut up about it, I believe.”

“That’s because Shadow’s a good man. He just keeps shitty company.”

“You never said a truer thing. So, I suppose you’re going to resume your rescue mission? Save him from my evil clutches?”

“Shadow’s a big boy. He can make his own decisions. I _would_ like to see him, though. See that he’s okay. Not, say, hanging from a tree somewhere?”

“Well, he’s not here. He’s gone on an errand.”

*

_“If I had a hammer, I’d hammer in the morning, hammer in the evening - ”_

“You got a fine singing voice, Czernobog!”

“Yes, is good!”

*

“Mister Wednesday! I don’t have much time to spare. I’m going to have to reschedule our little appointment, you understand how it is. My people are all otherwise occupied with this situation – connectivity, social media, surveillance, I’m sure you understand how much the _world_ needs us.”

“What’s he talking about?”

“The – uh – global lockdown, Mister Grimnir. Everyone’s quite upset about it.”

“What’s _he_ talking about, Nancy?”

“Bitch, don’t you never watch the news?”

“Not if I can help it.”

“Of course, we wouldn’t be so stretched if _someone_ hadn’t terminated our surveillance specialist - _”_

“Oh, he’s talking about me. I did that.”

“So, if you still feel the need to pursue this trivial matter, we _may_ be at leisure to attend to you in three months. Maybe six. My colleagues and I will be busy reprogramming reality. I’ll pass on your regards to your old friend Pestilence. We will be working closely together for the foreseeable. In the meantime, enjoy obscurity.”

“Hey, wait just a damn minute! Pestilence? Get back here, you pixelated prick!”

“Pestilence, huh? Looks like that slimy old motherfucker’s stolen a march on you, my one-eyed friend. He’s come out of retirement.”

“Can I hear helicopters?”

*

“Jesus Christ!”

“Him too? That’s all we need - ”

“Which one?”

“No, I mean – look! The fucking _army’s_ out there.”

_“ – please remain in your homes. A curfew is now in effect. Any attempt to resist will result in - ”_

“FUCK YOU AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER AND - !”

“Get back here, Czernobog! Do you really want to die at the hands of the US Army? I don’t think the hammer will do a lot, do you? Oh, bring him back, someone.”

“Get off me! I’ll knock your brains out, you flaming desert asshole - ”

“Please calm down Mister Czernobog! Nothing will be achieved by attacking soldiers with a hammer!”

“Have a drink, ya sweaty bastard!”

*

“Can we get out of here now?”

“Fuck’s sake woman, there are _tanks_ on the lawn.”

“ _The hoard?”_

“We can’t. The sun’s below the horizon. Can’t do it til morning.”

“What? You never told me that. Why didn’t you _tell_ me that?”

“I thought it’d be pretty fuckin’ obvious. We need the _sun_ , you brainless c- “

“If you call me a cunt, I will _cough_ on you!”

“Cailleach! I was gonna say cailleach!”

“Bullshit, you’re just making noises now.” *cough cough*

“Aw that’s disgustin’”

*

“So, tell me this. Does staying at home because of coronavirus count as _worshipping_ Pestilence? Is that what we’re doing right now?”

“Who invited her, anyway?”

“I did. Fuck you, Grimnir.”

“Good _night_ , everybody.”

*

“So, can we leave _now?_ ”

“It’s easiest at midday but, yeah, we can give it a go.”

“Where is Wotan?”

“Oh, he drove off as I was performing Salat al-fajr.”

“I thought Shadow had his car?”

“Grimnir prob’ly summoned her so he could flounce off in a huff about not gettin’ his war.”

“Doesn’t that mean that Shadow’s stuck out there with no car? Wednesday’s such an asshole.”

“Ah, pretty boy like him’ll have no trouble gettin’ a ride.”

“Is true, Zorya say so.”

“So - Wednesday’s gone – and there’s no war – and all the hotels and casinos are closed. And we’re in a nice big old house, and the army say we can’t leave and there’s lots of food and drink and stuff? We could all just – stay and hang out?”


	2. Chapter 2

“Hey look, it's Mister Sparkles!”

“Sam Black Crow.”

“Aw, you remembered. You look like you need a ride, Shadow Moon.”

“Could do with one. Thanks. Damn, this is pretty comfortable. Hell of an upgrade.”

“I traded the four-by-four for something a little more roomy. Saw which way the wind was blowing. Home’s the side of the road for me now. Any road.”

“Good call.”

“So you gonna tell me why you were hiding in a tree back there?”

“I was avoiding the - uh, the cops.”

“Hah. Up to the same old tricks?”

“Not like that. My car was taken and - well - I didn’t wanna get picked up for vagrancy.”

“Stolen? Towed?”

“It’s my boss’s car. I was on an errand. I think he took it back.”

“And left you to walk home? Yeah? Your boss sounds like kind of an asshole.”

“Yeah. He is kind of an asshole.”

“Did you ever find what you were looking for?”

“Peace? Not yet. Not likely. Not now.”

“You look like you killed someone.

“I did. But no. I heard he - uh - recovered.”

“That’s not so bad.”

“It’s a funny story really. I kill a guy by accident and he ends up married to my ex-wife. Or so they say. I dunno if it’s really true.”

“Wow. Guess you weren’t invited to the wedding.”

“Hah, no. I could believe it, though. There _was_ a kind of chemistry there - “

“The kind that’d take your eyebrows off?”

“Exactly! Heh, the way Laura and him would square up - “

“Another Laura? How many did you have?”

“Only one.”

“ _Dead_ Laura - okay - ”

“It’s been a weird few weeks.”

*

“You sure you wanna do this? Your asshole boss doesn’t deserve this kind of loyalty. Besides, the reservation’s nice this time of year. You could be taking the scenic route in this delightful winnebago - “

“It _is_ tempting - but I’ve gotta see this thing through.”

“It’s your call, Magic Man. Here we are - _fuck_ \- ”

“What the shit’s happened now?”

“Shadow, there’s an angry old dude at the door with a hammer. And the army are on the lawn. I think you should reconsider.”

“I think you’re right. Get outta here?”

“Alright! Buckle up, baby - it’s time for a road trip.”


End file.
